Preparing to Launch into the Unknown (A.K.A. Arizona)

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It's time for me to start packing. Because...wait for it, wait for it, wait for it-- I'm moving to Mesa Arizona! Woooooo! There are a TON of reasons why this is a good idea.

1)  Mesa is big. It might have so many job opportunities. Perhaps I will be able to finally start saving for Nepal!


2) Practicing my drawing skills with my amazingly awesome sister-in-law to draw even cooler pics for the blog.

3) Eating places besides regular places.

4) More people!

5) I can indulge in my new hobby and sell jewelry on the side without having to sell online!

6) A CHANCE FOR A FRESH START AT LIFE!

Ah yes, breath deeply the sweet aroma of opportunity. Take it all in...

But first...

PANIC!

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AHH! Wait-- stop the countdown! Am I seriously ready to abandon the life I know? I am scared poopless (Is that a phrase? No. That is not a phrase. Don't repeat that.)

I struggle with getting myself packed and ready. In fact, I've been lying in bed depressed in spite of the great opportunities I know that are out there. Just think...I would have to go somewhere where no one knows me and try to make friends. I'll be one little drop in a sea of people I don't know. There will be so many people to compare myself to and fall short of. So many people to not notice me or reject me. It's scary. And how will I be able to keep my head above water and keep up with all the responsibility?

Also, a little sweetie pie was heartbroken at my going. My five year old nephew and I have been very close ever since day one.

When I told him I was leaving, the look on his face sliced right through my aortic valve, cleaved my pulmonary artery in two, and spilled open my right atrium. That look has been cemented into my brain for the past few weeks. He said, "Why? Why are you leaving?" And when I told him there wasn't anything for me here he said, "But there's me. I'm here," and he began sobbing. We hugged and cried for a long time. He looked up at me and pointed at the pink and white striped, fuzzy gloves he had gotten me for Christmas. He said "take my gloves with you and wear them whenever you're missing me." It was so difficult for him to say that he almost couldn't finish, and his pain shot through his face like burning shrapnel that left a scar in my memory.

This shy girl is going to need a lot of courage to go on this new adventure...So here goes!

Namaste

The Non-Adventures of Major Depressive Disorder!

So, I haven't been on many adventures lately. Graduation has booted me out of the world of education and left me hanging. I have major depressive disorder, you know, along with social anxiety. I want to do nothing else most days than to snuggle up in the endless embrace of fluffy blankets around clouds of pillows-- to stay in my nice warm bed and dream; to dream of things better, or things worse, anything at all, so long as it's not life. You know, Hamlet famously asked what dreams may come in the next life...but some of us are already living in our dreams.

 But no, that's not the only thing that ails me. Along with all that, I haveTMJ (my jaw locks), a fear of needles, and chronic laziness. Every little thing holds you back that much more. I couldn't even eat another bite of banana nut bread the other day because the nuts were causing my jaw to lock. Life is hard, right? But I suppose mine isn't the worst lot in life.

After all...

You haven't lived until you've gone out and bought yourself a crazy 80s outfit (do it).

Or celebrated your birthday with an abnormally diverse group of people who you hardly even know...

Or until you take a photo with your nephew on the same bench you took it last Halloween

Because even if you don't plan any adventures-- even if you are disposed, like a Hobbit, to stay where you are most comfortable-- life has a way of giving you adventures you hadn't planned. One of those people at my birthday party that I hardly knew bought me a pumpkin danish! Just because I had mentioned I liked pumpkin. Yum. I wasn't expecting that.

My therapist, Dr. Headman, says that life is about being happy-ish; about looking for small flecks of gold in the everyday that add up to a great amount of worth. Even though looking ahead seems empty at times, I know life will be filled with many more adventures I hadn't expected.

“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit


"Good morning!" he said at last. "We don't want any adventures here, thank you! You might try over The Hill or across The Water." By this he meant that the conversation was at an end.
"What a lot of things you do use Good morning for!" said Gandalf."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

Hot Air Balloon Adventure

Adventure idea: volunteer somewhere cool and get in free.

I quite randomly volunteered at the Lincoln Art and Balloon Festival.  Riding a hot air balloon is on my bucket list. So I didn't get to ride a hot air balloon, but anyway, I got this really cool, big, orange volunteer shirt.

After standing for three hours in the scorching sunlight exchanging cash for admissions, I did not want to wait in line for the tethered balloon ride, which wound around the park. Instead, I got a really big corn-dog (seriously, it was humongous--like twice as long as a normal corn dog) and went camera crazy!

 

Look at all the people taking pictures.

Sitting on haystacks and watching the balloons inflate.

So many people were there!

The tethered balloon.

Filling up the balloon with hot air. See the fire?

Up, up! And Away!

The sun was in my eyes. It was the perfect day for hot air balloons!

As for working admissions, I hardly felt anxious at all. It's amazing how things that would have bothered me for days a few years ago didn't even phase me. For instance, a lady was holding up the line asking me if she could get in for about five times less than the normal admissions price. What was I, shy as I am, supposed to do? I had to keep telling her that she couldn't just come in practically for free. Meanwhile, everyone behind her is waiting. Then this angry guy in a truck behind her shouted out his window, "HEY! I WANT TO GET THROUGH!" Finally, after that, the lady drove off. The man scowled at me as he drove by. I didn't let this make me feel bad about myself. I just thought, "That guy is crazy." And I kept working. The other workers were not judgmental, but understood that some people were hard to get along with.

 I didn't flip out! Score! I made a few mistakes through the whole thing, but I didn't end up feeling pained about it afterward. Everything I had to say to the people was fairly straightforward, so that made it easier.

"Hi! Five dollars for adults, one dollar for children ten and under, one dollar for parking. Have fun!"

It's easier when you know exactly what you need to say beforehand.

This shy girl was successful at admitting people to see hot air balloons! Until next time, keep your head in the clouds and your feet on the ground.

Namaste

Toastmasters Champion

I've graduated. Now I have to do what every graduate, social anxiety or not, fears--job searching. It is a treacherous process of filling out applications, being scrutinized for your skill set --or lack thereof. And then there's the dreaded job interview that you want so bad-but-actually-you-want-to-stay-home-and-hug-teddy-bears.

Everyone, admit it or not, could do with a therapist to survive the job hunt. Society is essentially sizing you up to determine how valuable you are. My therapist, Dr. Headman, suggested sharpening my job hunting skills. So I started reading a self-help book. It said that joining Toastmasters would be helpful for obtaining a job. I didn't actually know what Toastmasters was though. It is a kind of club for practicing public speaking.

I was like, okay whatever, it looks like some kind of perpetual speech class? So I looked on the Internet to find a Toastmasters club. Then I woke up this morning and I was kind of like, "oh yeah, the Toastmasters thingy." I went to the room and sat in a chair.

I was the first one in. A nicely dressed woman appeared in the doorway. "Is she in charge?" I wondered. She furrowed her eyebrows, and squinted at me. She started toward me slowly, concentrating intensely with this weird squint. I started feeling uncomfortable. "Am I in the wrong room?" I wondered to myself. She looked disconcerted.


"Who are you?" she asked bamboozled.

"I'm here for Toastmasters?" I replied.

"I haven't seen you before," she shook my left hand.

"Oh no! Why didn't she shake my right hand?" I thought,"I scratched my eye with my right hand. That must be it. She doesn't want to shake a crusty eye itching hand. Why!? What was I thinking!?"

Around six more people made their way in. They all shook my hand and introduced themselves. "I shouldn't have scratched my eye!" I thought. The meeting commenced. Someone said something about the meeting commencing. The people around the table clapped vigorously. Someone said something else. The people around the table clapped. Then the next person was introduced. This elicited vigorous clapping. "These people are very impressed with the act of speaking," I thought as I clapped along. Clapping was invigorating.

They kept calling this other girl and me their "honored guests."A lady with really great public speaking skills gave a speech on public speaking. Everyone clapped. Then they did this thing where they read questions. They went around the room and each person had to answer one question in one to two minutes. "Do our honored guests wish to participate?" the speaker asked. I looked sidelong at the girl next to me.

"Ok," she said.

I looked back at the speaker.

"Ok," I said.

The lady who had shook my left hand began. She got a most difficult question and she had trouble getting words out of her mouth. She seemed incredibly nervous and repeated things. Watching her stumble made me nervous, but it also made me start thinking of how to avoid doing the same.

Then the girl-- the honored guest, I mean--  next to me spoke. I thought she did well. I went after a really talented guy who had been a member for years. My question was, "If you could know one thing about the people around you in your life, what would it be."

"Thank you Toastmaster" I said...I think that was what everyone else had said?  I continued. "If I could know one thing about the people around me in my life I think it would be--" I laughed, "this is a hard question," I said. Other people laughed in recognition of our common plight."  I thought of a dumb answer. I had to just go with it. I couldn't stall forever. I said something like, "If I could know one thing about the people around me it would be what they love. If you know what someone loves then you know what drives them. If you know what drives them then you can better understand them. That way you can be a better friend to everyone you know." I looked at the time person...Oh great. One minute hadn't even passed. That's all I had. "In addition," I said. My mind raced to find another point. " In addition, if you know what people love, you will know whether you can trust them or not. You will understand if their desires are selfish or altruistic." By the time I got done explaining that aspect of my answer, one minute had rolled around. I wrapped up my speech and said, "Thank you." There was clapping.

"We will now vote on who did the best," the speaker said. Everyone clapped. We all wrote on a piece of paper and voted.

"The winner..." the speaker said, "or should I say the winners, it's a tie, are--" He named the talented speaker. That didn't surprise me. He got up and took his blue ribbon "And," he continued, "Our newest member!" he called my name.

"Huh?" I thought, then I got up and received my blue ribbon.

Until next time,

Namaste

Chocolate Adventure

Chocolate is the panacea for all mental illness.


It is important, when dealing with the bleak aspects of life, to eat chocolate. But also to remember that you are not the only one who is having a hard time. That is what I really meant to say. You are not the worst off person. That is why this chocolate adventure is important. And I don't mean the adventure of staying in my pj's all day and eating chocolate when I'm feeling down.

It's more of an investigative adventure, as I have been researching the ethics of chocolate--by eating it.

 But I have also been doing some reading.  Made in a Free World, for example, is an organization committed to ending modern slavery. They have stated on their blog that, "Unfortunately, many cocoa farms have been sites of child and forced labor. This has particularly been documented in West Africa, the source of around 70% of the world’s cocoa." That is a lot of potentially unethical chocolate.

One child named Yacou, CNN reports, says "I wish I could go to school. I want to read and write,” But, they say, he "hasn’t spent a single day in school, and he has no idea how to leave the farm." There are lots of children in his position, stuck growing chocolate with no way out. This is far too common.

When I found out about this, as a chocolate lover, I was crushed. But as someone who belongs to a religious faith that abstains from certain kinds of food, this struck me. It seemed like a food to think more deeply about. So, I had the hard, hard, very difficult, task of investigation. Clearly, a very difficult task.

 But it was something I felt I had to do. For the sake of humanity.

I started by going to my local grocery store. What I was looking for was chocolate with the fair trade logo. It looks like this.

 I was curious, for all the guilt the humanitarian organizations had instilled in me, how practical eating chocolate ethically actually was.

Sure enough, next to the organic food, I found Green and Black's dark chocolate; as well, I found Endangered Species. The latter did not have the fair trade logo but a claim that it was fairly traded. Alongside these, I bought a Hershey's bar.

What I found, predictably, is that chocolate that claims to be ethical is more expensive per ounce than Hershey's chocolate. The Hershey bar was only .57 cents per ounce. The ethical chocolate was $1.14 and $1.16 per ounce. The cost for fair chocolate then? It is fifty seven to fifty eight cents more expensive, per ounce, for more ethical labor.

That's all great and everything right? But is it edible? That's the real question.

Here is me eating fair trade chocolate.

And here is me eating a Hershey's bar.

The difference is huge, especially if you are like me and prefer milk chocolate. The fair trade chocolate was way too bitter for my sweet tooth! And good luck ever getting a child to eat this stuff. This caused me great inner turmoil. How can something so rich and savory be so unethical! It was time to go on a quest for ethical, delicious, milk chocolate.Which is why I turned to the most sage and all knowing entity I could fathom--the Internet.

I tried two more brands. I found solace in Equal Exchange and Divine Chocolate. Both of these offered milk chocolate solutions. After a few days, I received these over-sized boxes containing my chocolate bars.

This is me eating an Organic Milk Chocolate Peanut Butter Candy Bar from Equal Exchange. It was a thought-provoking process.

My conclusion? Yuck! It was totally nasty. It does not taste anything like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Then I tried the Divine Chocolate.

 Ohhh, it was heavenly. Please, if you want to eat ethically, eat Divine Chocolate! It is so yummy.

Also, the company has a beautiful back story. It was started by farmers in Ghana who wanted to help their country. It began as a company named "Kuapa Kokoo." Their website says, "Kuapa Kokoo - which means good cocoa growers - has a mission to empower farmers in their efforts to gain a dignified livelihood, to increase women's participation in all of Kuapa's activities, and to develop environmentally friendly cultivation of cocoa." Check out this link for more of the story.

My quest to buy ethically, practically, and enjoyably has just begun. There are many other resources for ethical chocolate. Ben and Jerry's is turning their chocolate into Fair Trade chocolate, for instance. Every once in a while, but not always, you can even find Cadbury that is fair trade. For instance, look at this chocolate bar. As it is now, it's difficult, even formidable, to shop ethically. But every dollar we spend toward chocolate that is Fair Trade certified is a dollar that goes toward changing the world. As consumers demand fair trade, it will become easier for manufacturers to supply it. And when you are sad and munching on chocolate, that is one more thing you can feel comfortable about.

Until my next adventure,

Namaste

Graduation

It's time to embark on a real adventure. I may be shy, but not enough to keep me from wearing this robe.

That's right. This is the adventure I have been waiting for. As of May 11th, 2013 I am a college graduate. Can you find me in the crowd? It's like Where's Waldo.

Do you like how my hat stayed on straight during the whole ceremony until it was time to walk?

This graduation meant a great deal to me as someone who has struggled with school due to my anxiety. As I walked across the stage, I saw my favorite teacher and my mentor Dr. Ethan Lewis giving me a standing ovation. As I later emailed him to request him to be one of my references, he replied that seeing me at the ceremony made his commencement. Likewise, I believe seeing him there in the front, clapping for me, made my graduation.

There was a point in my life where I was so depressed that I thought my life had already reached its climax, and that there was nothing left for me. I felt I had no future. This was after I got suspended from BYU-Idaho for academic failure due to the fact that I was spiraling into depression. That, of course, compounded my problem.

Thanks to the help of my church, however, I was able to start living again in very minor ways. Gradually, I felt ready to attempt school and start my degree from scratch at UIS.

My second semester as an English major there, I had Dr. Lewis as my professor. On the first essay I turned in, Dr. Lewis wrote something at the bottom of the page that had a strong emotional affect on me. He wrote, "With gifts like these you have much before you."

The concept of having ANYTHING ahead of me entered my mind like some strange and foreign idea. I could not understand it. It didn't make sense, because my future had been erased. It had died. I was going through the motions of life, but I knew I had nothing to look forward to.  All of the sudden, as I looked at that statement, it was as if my future had been resurrected.

Because of this teacher's encouragement to me through the years I was able to have the drive to keep going day after day in spite of difficulties.

Thank you Dr. Lewis!

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
― Søren Kierkegaard
Namaste

R.I.P. Eggydoo

It wasn't meant to be.

 Eggydoo never even sprouted. This shy girl, indeed, has no green thumb at all.


Do you know what this means?!  The metaphoric significance of this is catastrophic! How can an English major who starts a blog, and uses flowers for a metaphor for healing POSSIBLY cope with this? The very thing that was supposed to symbolize hope and healing has not even managed to breach the surface of life!

 However, when one door closes...

I just bought some that had already sprouted! Aren't they pretty?

Until next time,

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Namaste

Overcoming Social Anxiety Does Not Mean You Have to be an Extrovert

My old roommate from BYU-Idaho, where I earned my associate's degree, recently recommended this book to me. It's called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. 

 If you know an introvert, and everyone does, or if you care at all about understanding a large portion of the entire U.S. population, who you will interact with everyday, you must read this. I had thought it would be some kind of regular old self-help book, but true to my old roommate's intelligence, I found it to be incredibly insightful and I've only just begun.

I have lightly hinted, in past posts, on the difference between being shy and having social anxiety. There is a difference. Social anxiety is a debilitating fear that an introvert may or may not experience. For instance, people with severe social anxiety may be afraid to attend family gatherings, such as weddings, with extended family. It may sadden them that they feel unable to attend such an important event due to fear. Or, they may literally pee their pants before asking to go to the restroom in a class. My anxiety is milder than these examples, although it has greatly inhibited me. I would say that many people experience social anxiety from time to time. It's not the same, however, as being quiet or introverted.

Introversion, unlike anxiety, is not a weakness at all. As Cain points out quite remarkably, introversion has its own beauty and strength that is often overlooked in a country like the U.S., where extroversion is the golden standard.



Just look at Cain's manifesto:

Her manifesto seems to chime with a harmonious and comforting truth. Nonetheless, a stigma is plastered onto all quiet people. You hear things like the sarcastic, "It's always the quiet ones." Great. Except that I've heard this same phrase used in conjunction with psychopaths who were quiet and therefore non-suspect. As if being quiet is a sign that one will snap into insanity at any minute because of their deep seeded hatred. There is supposedly something defective about a person who is not boisterous and outgoing. It is a stigma that likely only contributes to social anxiety. Cain says, "If you're an introvert, you also know that the bias against quiet can cause deep psychic pain."I have felt this bias many times.

As someone who has dabbled in studying journalism and also struggled greatly with school, I have taken two interpersonal communications classes at two different universities. I failed both of them. I found the first class I took very disturbing. I wish this book had been in my teachers repertoire of reading material (granted, it wasn't even published yet).

My teacher, to me, seemed unable to decode people. Thus, she used a book called The Color Code which categorized people into personality types. Although there may be a good use for such a thing, my teacher seemed to use it as a crutch. With my own social ineptitude, it would be hypocritical of me to somehow demonize her for doing her job the best she knew how. Indeed, she had a friendly demeanor and a gusto for teaching. Yet what I experienced was deeply disconcerting to me at the time, and I would like to explain why in order to help make a connection with Cain's book to my own reality. It was as if she were unable to grasp the nuances of human behavior. At least that is the way I felt. She did not seem able to admit the code's limits when it came to understanding people.

To make a long story short, I had a yellow personality, which means I'm driven, in my core, by fun. Everyone in my group thought I would have a white personality, meaning that I'm driven by peace or feeling a lack of conflict. I emailed my teacher about how disturbed I was by this because I felt like the group was waiting to see my yellow side; waiting for me to do something entertaining or funny. This made me feel self conscious-- like something was wrong with me. 

"Why does the book have such a narrow definition of 'fun?'" I wondered. The chapters described a highly extroverted concept of a good time, although the quiz questions, which determined your personality type, didn't necessarily favor a particular flavor of fun. Why didn't it account for the fact that what is fun varies from person to person? I asked my teacher these things looking for some kind of resolution to this identity crisis of sorts. 

My teacher responded to my concerns by stating in front of the entire class that if someone in your group is a yellow personality type and the rest of the group thinks that they are actually a white personality type then said person was either sexually molested as a child, or the group is not reaching out enough to them. 
 
You want to talk self-conscious? If I wasn't already completely determined to fear my peers, this sealed the deal. I had not been sexually molested as a child, although now I was potentially labeled as a victim and could see patronizing looks of pity on my group member's faces; and I did not need my peers to keep trying to get me to act somehow entertaining in a way that I was not. 

That was the last day I attended that class because the discomfort was too great for me to deal with. In fact, that was the semester I stopped attending school as I sank into a deep depression.

In light of this experience, and others I've had, Cain's book rang true to me when it said, "We like to think that we value individuality, but all too often we admire one type of individual--the kind who's comfortable 'putting himself out there.'"

People have said to me before, "I don't know what to do with you because you're so quiet. Should I be worried?" People have informed me that it is not kind of me to be shy. They have told me they simply could not relate to me as a friend because of how quiet I was. People have said all kinds of things to me about my introversion and its sub-par value. Cain says, "Introverts living under the Extrovert Ideal are like women in a man's world, discounted because of a trait that goes to the core of who they are. Extroversion is an enormously appealing personality style, but we've turned it into an oppressive standard to which most of us feel we must conform."

I have felt this oppression as teachers have judged my intelligence on my ability to "participate" in an extroverted manner. Truthfully, it's okay to feel more comfortable inside yourself.You just have to remember step four of the manifesto. "Sometimes it helps to pretend to be an extrovert. There's always time to be quiet later." Certain situations do call for a dose of extroversion.

The purpose of my blog is not necessarily to transform me into a full blown extrovert. Rather, I am attempting to expose myself to social scenarios in order to become comfortable around people as myself, as a (mostly) introvert. Introverts need to be able to get through the inevitable social situations that will confront them. I would like my blog to inspire me to live, at times, on the edge of my comfort zone so that I can overcome my anxiety, even while potentially being an introvert at heart.

I would suggest too that we not consider the labels of extrovert and introvert infallible and all  encompassing. Rather, many of us have both moments of introversion and extroversion. All of us have situations that bring us inside ourselves and others that bring us out. Both introspection and charisma are useful and complimentary aspects of an individual. 

Besides, another reason for my blog is simply--I love adventures.  To the left is a moment of sincere extroversion on my part, which may explain why I tend just to stick with introversion.

Thanks to my roommate for suggesting this outstanding book. I will continue to refer to it in my posts as I read.

Until next time,

Namaste (bye in Nepalese)