Dances and Dreams

I wish I could dance. I am too inhibited and uncoordinated. When I see people loosing themselves in graceful dance I'm envious. They become spirited away as their bodies transform into pure, flowing, beauty. It's often wondered what evidence exists of the soul. Now, I'm not one to claim to have solved such a monumental and sublime enigma. But when I see people dance, I feel as if their souls are made tangible through movement. Their bodies seem lost in spirit, soaring high through an iridescent glow of aether. As I watch, or shuffle awkwardly, I feel trapped in a low and dusty realm.

I did learn a little swing once. I've felt so alive in the past when I danced with people who knew swing. I let my soul fly from that dark obscurity that puzzles philosophers into the soaring reality of spirit, which galvanized the very air thick into vivacity. As sure as I felt the breath in my lungs, I felt my soul was jiving headlong to the stars. And even so. My anxiety has inhibited me from enjoying such times.

I once got back from swing dancing with a friend and felt terribly upset. Nothing bad had happened. I just knew every social interaction felt wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I came home crying.

That night, I dreamed that my skin on my arms became dry on the surface and began splitting. It looked like cracked desert. A wet layer of skin, stringily attached to my bones, slid like jelly underneath the dry layer every time my arm moved. As if this wasn't uncomfortable enough, spiders began hatching and protruding from welts in my stomach. I was panicking. I didn't understand what was happening. It didn't make sense. I couldn't stop it. I tried to telephone someone to ask for answers but no one picked up. It simply made me extremely uncomfortable. When I awoke the next morning, I realized I had been dreaming of my anxiety.

I hope to escape this abnormal discomfort as much as possible. After I get a job somewhere, my dream is to swing dance. Take lessons if I can afford it. Then when I go to Nepal, I will learn a beautiful Napalese dance.

Namaste (bye in Nepalese)