Overcoming Social Anxiety Does Not Mean You Have to be an Extrovert

My old roommate from BYU-Idaho, where I earned my associate's degree, recently recommended this book to me. It's called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. 

 If you know an introvert, and everyone does, or if you care at all about understanding a large portion of the entire U.S. population, who you will interact with everyday, you must read this. I had thought it would be some kind of regular old self-help book, but true to my old roommate's intelligence, I found it to be incredibly insightful and I've only just begun.

I have lightly hinted, in past posts, on the difference between being shy and having social anxiety. There is a difference. Social anxiety is a debilitating fear that an introvert may or may not experience. For instance, people with severe social anxiety may be afraid to attend family gatherings, such as weddings, with extended family. It may sadden them that they feel unable to attend such an important event due to fear. Or, they may literally pee their pants before asking to go to the restroom in a class. My anxiety is milder than these examples, although it has greatly inhibited me. I would say that many people experience social anxiety from time to time. It's not the same, however, as being quiet or introverted.

Introversion, unlike anxiety, is not a weakness at all. As Cain points out quite remarkably, introversion has its own beauty and strength that is often overlooked in a country like the U.S., where extroversion is the golden standard.



Just look at Cain's manifesto:

Her manifesto seems to chime with a harmonious and comforting truth. Nonetheless, a stigma is plastered onto all quiet people. You hear things like the sarcastic, "It's always the quiet ones." Great. Except that I've heard this same phrase used in conjunction with psychopaths who were quiet and therefore non-suspect. As if being quiet is a sign that one will snap into insanity at any minute because of their deep seeded hatred. There is supposedly something defective about a person who is not boisterous and outgoing. It is a stigma that likely only contributes to social anxiety. Cain says, "If you're an introvert, you also know that the bias against quiet can cause deep psychic pain."I have felt this bias many times.

As someone who has dabbled in studying journalism and also struggled greatly with school, I have taken two interpersonal communications classes at two different universities. I failed both of them. I found the first class I took very disturbing. I wish this book had been in my teachers repertoire of reading material (granted, it wasn't even published yet).

My teacher, to me, seemed unable to decode people. Thus, she used a book called The Color Code which categorized people into personality types. Although there may be a good use for such a thing, my teacher seemed to use it as a crutch. With my own social ineptitude, it would be hypocritical of me to somehow demonize her for doing her job the best she knew how. Indeed, she had a friendly demeanor and a gusto for teaching. Yet what I experienced was deeply disconcerting to me at the time, and I would like to explain why in order to help make a connection with Cain's book to my own reality. It was as if she were unable to grasp the nuances of human behavior. At least that is the way I felt. She did not seem able to admit the code's limits when it came to understanding people.

To make a long story short, I had a yellow personality, which means I'm driven, in my core, by fun. Everyone in my group thought I would have a white personality, meaning that I'm driven by peace or feeling a lack of conflict. I emailed my teacher about how disturbed I was by this because I felt like the group was waiting to see my yellow side; waiting for me to do something entertaining or funny. This made me feel self conscious-- like something was wrong with me. 

"Why does the book have such a narrow definition of 'fun?'" I wondered. The chapters described a highly extroverted concept of a good time, although the quiz questions, which determined your personality type, didn't necessarily favor a particular flavor of fun. Why didn't it account for the fact that what is fun varies from person to person? I asked my teacher these things looking for some kind of resolution to this identity crisis of sorts. 

My teacher responded to my concerns by stating in front of the entire class that if someone in your group is a yellow personality type and the rest of the group thinks that they are actually a white personality type then said person was either sexually molested as a child, or the group is not reaching out enough to them. 
 
You want to talk self-conscious? If I wasn't already completely determined to fear my peers, this sealed the deal. I had not been sexually molested as a child, although now I was potentially labeled as a victim and could see patronizing looks of pity on my group member's faces; and I did not need my peers to keep trying to get me to act somehow entertaining in a way that I was not. 

That was the last day I attended that class because the discomfort was too great for me to deal with. In fact, that was the semester I stopped attending school as I sank into a deep depression.

In light of this experience, and others I've had, Cain's book rang true to me when it said, "We like to think that we value individuality, but all too often we admire one type of individual--the kind who's comfortable 'putting himself out there.'"

People have said to me before, "I don't know what to do with you because you're so quiet. Should I be worried?" People have informed me that it is not kind of me to be shy. They have told me they simply could not relate to me as a friend because of how quiet I was. People have said all kinds of things to me about my introversion and its sub-par value. Cain says, "Introverts living under the Extrovert Ideal are like women in a man's world, discounted because of a trait that goes to the core of who they are. Extroversion is an enormously appealing personality style, but we've turned it into an oppressive standard to which most of us feel we must conform."

I have felt this oppression as teachers have judged my intelligence on my ability to "participate" in an extroverted manner. Truthfully, it's okay to feel more comfortable inside yourself.You just have to remember step four of the manifesto. "Sometimes it helps to pretend to be an extrovert. There's always time to be quiet later." Certain situations do call for a dose of extroversion.

The purpose of my blog is not necessarily to transform me into a full blown extrovert. Rather, I am attempting to expose myself to social scenarios in order to become comfortable around people as myself, as a (mostly) introvert. Introverts need to be able to get through the inevitable social situations that will confront them. I would like my blog to inspire me to live, at times, on the edge of my comfort zone so that I can overcome my anxiety, even while potentially being an introvert at heart.

I would suggest too that we not consider the labels of extrovert and introvert infallible and all  encompassing. Rather, many of us have both moments of introversion and extroversion. All of us have situations that bring us inside ourselves and others that bring us out. Both introspection and charisma are useful and complimentary aspects of an individual. 

Besides, another reason for my blog is simply--I love adventures.  To the left is a moment of sincere extroversion on my part, which may explain why I tend just to stick with introversion.

Thanks to my roommate for suggesting this outstanding book. I will continue to refer to it in my posts as I read.

Until next time,

Namaste (bye in Nepalese)