Rumination: The Infinite Labyrinth of a Stubbornly Anxious Mind

"The house seemed infinite and expanding. The house is not this large, he thought. Other things are making it seem larger: the dim light, the symmetry, the mirrors, so many years, my unfamiliarity, the loneliness." 

--"Death and the Compass" by Jorge Luis Borges

An article in Psychology Today states that "Rumination refers to the tendency to repetitively think about the causes, situational factors, and consequences of one's negative emotional experience." Do you ever do this? Rumination greatly contributes to anxiety.

It has been compared to a hamster wheel spinning and spinning in one place. It's been seen like a broken record player repeating the same phrase as one goes over the negative experience again and again. But the way I experience it, it is more of a maze; A labyrinth, if you will, straight out of Borges.

Borges is an Argentinean writer who often explores the concept of infinity. While this concept potentially seems God-like (see "Pascal's Sphere"), it is also associated with death and madness in many of Borges's stories. In "Death and the Compass," a seemingly infinite house leads a detective to his death.

Although Borges did not intend this, the labyrinth presented in this story to the detective, Lonnrot,reminds me of my own negative ruminations. I weave through the same scenario again and again, looking at it from different angles. I'm like Lonnrot exploring the infinite house. He felt he was exploring a mysterious new place, yet it was so symmetrical that he "grew tired of opening or half opening windows which revealed outside the same desolate garden from various heights and various angels." 

I try to solve my troubling experience as if it is a puzzle, but I get nowhere. It's like following clues toward a destination, finding the destination to be infinite and then becoming destroyed by my pursuit of said destination.

Just the other day, I was ruminating about my silly piggy bank craft I posted. "I stuck a bunch of stickers on a lemonade jar," I thought. Lame. And then I thought it again. And then I contemplated a variation of that thought. Then I came up with another thought that built on that variation of that thought. I took that into another context. Then I imagined it from the perspective of someone else. Then I went back and thought of the first thought I thought. Then I felt depressed. 

It didn't help that other hard things happened that day that already made me feel depressed. I was afraid someone in my family was going to be laid off. Someone else I loved was having one of the hardest days in their life.

But eventually, I escaped the labyrinth. The way I got out?  I just quit exploring it. The only way I could manage that was to go to sleep, wake up early, and engage in a busy day that left little room for mazes. Among other things, I went and visited my family member who was going through such a hard time. We talked, watched a movie, had ice cream. I straightened up the place so he would feel more comfortable and inclined toward peace. I put some flowers on the table. Seeing his mood improve made my piggy bank craft maze become infinitesimal. That post was the last thing I thought about. Sometimes, reaching out to someone is the surest way out of our mental mazes that seem infinite and large.

Let yourself feel peace. Get out of your labyrinth of self-deprecation and go on a real adventure. There is so much more beauty to explore in this vast world. Find it.

Namaste